Probably the best play i've written

I like writing plays and stuff. So I thought I would post my plays on my blog. This one is one of my favourites.

Let me know what you think...

The Elephant In The Room

A short play for one person

A dark stage. We hear the sound of a clock ticking slowly. The light slowly comes up to reveal a Man sitting on an upright chair. To Stage Left there is a window. The stage is dimly lit through out the play until the final scene.

(The ticking clock fades.)

It’s funny you know – I seem to have spent my whole life looking forward in time. Looking forward and not living in the present. You know what I mean? Sort of making future plans for things in my head.  Only ever in my head. Not real plans. You know? I spend hours thinking that in a few years time I’ll do this and I’ll do that. Putting things off until… well, I don’t know really, just putting things off until later I suppose.

(He gets up and looks out of the window)

See, I’ve always made excuses for putting things off. I’d always have to have a sort of deadline for when I could do something. You know, I’d sort of say to meself, when such and such happens I’ll do such and such.

Am I making sense? Or am I just rambling?

Holidays. I should have gone on more holidays. Abroad. I’ve never been abroad. I got a passport. Years ago, probably out of date now. What a palaver that was. Sitting in that booth in Woolworth’s getting the photo done. I had to have three goes. Had to adjust the stool three times to get me face in properly.

Had to get the doctor to sign it too as I remember. That was embarrassing - especially after the prostate incident.  I didn’t know he was going to do that did I? He could have warned me. I should have known I suppose – lying there trousers down with me bum in the air. (He shivers) His black eye was almost gone when I went in with the passport forms.

It was Madeleine of course. She didn’t want to go. So we didn’t.

But I will go on holiday. Abroad. I will. I’ll dig out me passport and book a holiday abroad. Greece. Always thought Greece would be nice. A Greek Island. Hot and sunny. Lovely. I’m not going to put things off this time. Act now that’s the thing. I’ll just have a cup of tea and then I’ll go and find that passport.

(He exits SR – Lights fade to black we hear the sound of the clock ticking for half a minute or so. The light slowly comes up to reveal the empty chair. The clock fades. He enters and looks out of the window)

Cold outside today. Windy. Leaves everywhere. Suppose I should sweep them up. Pointless when it’s windy though isn’t it?

I haven’t been out for days now. Can’t be bothered really. I like to look through the window. Just watch things. People, dogs, cars. I watched an empty packet of McCoys a couple of days ago. Watched it come right down the road. Didn’t know what it was at first. Couldn’t make it out but it ended up on the front lawn. It’s still there now. Under the privet next to a packet of Superkings. BBQ steak flavour.

But a really funny thing happened this morning. I thought I saw Madeleine. It wasn’t her of course. Couldn’t be could it. But just for a moment I thought it was her and D’you know what? I didn’t know whether I wanted to say hello or not. D’you know what I mean? It all happened in a flash but part of me wanted to rush out and say hello and give her a hug and that. The other half of me wanted to run away and hide.

The thing is, when she was around I used to wonder what it would be like if she was gone.

And now she’s gone.

See, we both had jobs in the old days. I worked for the council. 34 years. Till they retired me off a few years back. I didn’t really want to go. I mean I was only 50. Too young to retire really isn’t it? If I’d worked for a private business I’d still be there. But that’s why you worked for the council isn’t it? You know the security? The pension an all that?

But blimey, when I was coming up for 50 they couldn’t wait to get rid of me. Gave me so much money that I couldn’t refuse. Apparently it’s all changed now though. So I suppose I was lucky…

It was about the same time that Madeleine stopped working at the Library. Suddenly we were in the house together 24 hours a day, every day. I thought we’d do things together. You know, travel about a bit, do a bit of gardening…

I think I got on her nerves you know.

I think, I’m not sure but I think that’s why she joined the gym I think she needed an excuse to get out of the house. Away from me.

She started to work in the charity shop as well.

And play golf.

And learned to speak Italian at Night school.

I just stayed here.

And now she’s gone.

(Lights fade to black we hear the sound of the clock ticking for half a minute or so. The light slowly comes up to reveal the empty chair. The clock fades. He enters SR. He has a tray with a plate of food on it. He sits with the tray on his lap.)

I don’t really eat much these days. In fact if truth be told I hardly eat anything. I just don’t feel like it anymore. I do meself something and I pick at it but I don’t really eat it. Not like the old days. Blimey I couldn’t get it down me quick enough. They used to do a lovely lunch at the town hall. Proper food. You know with spuds and veg and that? Lasagne. Beautiful. And always something for afters you know a proper pud. Not a Muller light like Madeleine used to have - a proper pud. You know, a spotted dick with custard or a rhubarb crumble. Lovely.

I haven’t had a spotted dick for ages.

I don’t really fancy this. (He puts the tray on the floor)

(We hear the sound of the clock slowly fade up. He sits listening to it for a while.)

D’you hear that? The clock ticking? That’s what I do now. I listen to the clock. Some people are clock watchers. I’m a clock listener. Listen…

(He sits while the clock ticks)

It’s a great way to pass time. I count the ticks.

(He sits listening to the clock ticking)

Sometimes I tell myself I’ll just count 60 ticks and then I’ll make a cup of tea.

Sometimes when I get to 60 I think I’ll just count sixty more and then I’ll make a cup of tea.

Sometimes before I know it a whole hour has gone by.

I’ll just count sixty ticks and then I’ll do the washing up.

(Lights fade to black we hear the sound of the clock ticking for half a minute or so. The light slowly comes up to reveal the empty chair. The clock fades. He enters SL. He has a book in his hand.)

See this? It’s one of Madeleine’s books (He looks at it ) It’s called À la recherche du temps perdu. It’s French. She used to read a lot. Librarian see? I never did. I used to watch telly. She didn’t. She used to complain that she couldn’t read while I had the telly on. Well it wasn’t my fault was it? Funny thing is, now she’s gone I don’t watch telly anymore.

(He looks at the book again) À la recherche du temps perdu – In search of lost time – in search of times lost. I spend a lot of time thinking about this book. I’ve never read it. Too long. It’s the title. In Search Of Lost time.

All time is lost really isn’t it? I mean once you let it go you can never get it back. Everything lost in the end. Every moment of your life, Whether it’s galloping a white stallion bareback across Afghanistan or watching a bead of rain run down a window they’re all lost in the end.

Funny stuff time innit? I mean how does it work d’you think? D’you think that there’s a big clock ticking somewhere out there keeping time flowing. Keeping it ticking along so to speak?

Supposing the big clock stopped one day. What would happen then? D’you think we’d all stop aging and stay exactly as we are?

Sometimes when I listen to the clock ticking I think that the gaps between the ticks get longer. Some times I think that I can make the gaps longer just by thinking about it. I can sort of think the gaps longer. If I really concentrate I get almost double the length of a tick.

I saw Madeleine again today. I’m sure it was her this time. In a BMW. Silver it was. Big one. Outside in the road. She was in the passenger seat. I think there was a man in the driver’s seat but I couldn’t quite make it out. Lovely car though. It was there one minute and then it drove away.

(Lights fade to black we hear the sound of the clock ticking for half a minute or so then the ticking slows and stope. The light slowly comes up he is sitting in the chair.)

I always thought I would buy a big flash car one day. I got all the magazines. Watched TopGear. But somehow I didn’t get round to it. Don’t suppose I will now. No point really. I don’t think Madeleine was that interested in cars. She seemed quite happy with the Nissan.

Actually I don’t think she was quite happy with the Nissan. In fact I don’t think she was ever happy with anything. The thing is - I don’t know if she was happy. I never thought about it. It never occurred to me.

We were together for so long and yet…  and yet I can’t seem to remember much about the times we spent together. All I know is that she’s gone.

Sometimes I get so angry. Why? Why? WHY? What did I do? What didn’t I do? WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? Why didn’t anyone tell me? Why didn’t anyone tell me I was getting it so wrong?

Why do other people make life look so easy?

(Long pause) 

I really slowed the ticking down this morning. Stopped it altogether. Took ages but I stopped the ticking. Listen…

(He Listens – there is silence)

Beautiful isn’t it? So quiet.

(He goes to the window and looks out)

Everything seems so still. Not a breath of wind it’s so still. And so quiet. No traffic, no birds, no aeroplanes. Nothing.

(The lights fade to black. When they come back up the stage is bare only the window remains.)

It’s been a long time since I stopped the ticking. I don’t know exactly how long. In fact it may not have been any time at all. I don’t know. How can you measure nothing? I’ve been wandering. Just wandering. And thinking. Thinking about anything but the thing I should be thinking about. The elephant in the room. That’s what they call it isn’t it? The big something that you can’t talk about. Well my big something is something I can’t think about.

Strange things have happened and I’m frightened to think about them because… because I’m pretty sure I won’t like the conclusions I’ll come to.

The first thing that happened was that I saw myself. I saw myself in the chair. It was night time. Dark.  I was looking out of the window. Just looking out of the window. For ages. And I turned round and I saw myself sitting in the chair.  I knew it was me but I was different. Very thin. And older than I remember. I was asleep. Head on my chest. I walked around, looking at myself sleeping on the chair. I didn’t wake up.

Then, god knows how long after that, people came in. I don’t know why but I hid. I didn’t want them to see me. Madeleine was here. She cried. I felt that I should talk to her but I didn’t.

When I came out from hiding the place was empty and the furniture was all gone.

That’s Ok. I’ve still got my window.

(He looks out)

The McCoys wrapper is still there.

(The lights fade to black there is a few moments of silence and then the stage is bathed in bright light. The man is dressed in a Hawaiian Shirt and shorts)

Well I’ve made a decision. I’m going on that holiday. It’s going to be great. It’s about time. I’m not sure where I’m going yet. Won’t need a passport. Probably won’t be Greece.

On the other hand maybe it will.

And when I get there I going to hire the biggest, flashiest car possible.

(He exits)

The end  

(Copyright Protected)